Back in Nam

It's been four months. You would think that we had all moved on. Perhaps some of us have. 

I haven't. 

It interests me that we can't really even talk about the show. Jesting lightly doesn't happen when we reminisce. I hear the word Vietnam and cringe. I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. It's too painful to dwell on it.

This play was like "no other time, no other place on earth." It is a place we can never go back to. And to some extent, I don't want to go back. I have new things in my life that make me happy and stress was HIGH during that process. But that doesn't mean it hasn't stopped haunting me.

I think we sometimes even avoid each other now that it's over. I read somewhere that many women did that in returning to America after serving in Nam. They avoided each other and the subject of what happened for many years. It really really hurts to look back on a world you can't return to. I'm not going to pretend like I know anything about serving in the army or that I've been to Vietnam, but I feel that A Piece of My Heart let me feel the smallest bit of these emotions. In our very small way, we had our own Nam with our own laughter and tears and battles and triumphs. 

I took a risk tonight and allowed myself to thumb through the script. Every syllable comes to life for me and I choke on it. 

Ladies, do you remember when we tried to learn the Star of David blocking in Tet and bandaging imaginary men? Or when we first saw the wall? When Rose nailed that scene for the first time? When the veterans cried? Placing our props on the sand? Proud Mary? Do you remember the worst moments? The best? Do you allow yourself to remember? 

I miss you all and though we may never "serve" together again, I will always always love you more than you know.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm seeking a catharsis. Maybe I'm just sad.

I think this experience has a hold on my heart that will take a while to release.

Patriotism Inspired

It's been almost three months since the final performance of Piece of My Heart and about 8 months since the process began. Yet the impact this show made on my life, and I believe the lives of others, is still very evident, especially on the holidays that honor our veterans. This fourth of July, I've been inspired to write a little about how my patriotism has developed and grown as a result of the facts of war this play taught me.

Patriotism has been a process for me. I was raised wearing red, white, and blue every July and can recount some exuberant performances of "Grand Old Flag" in my living room. In high school, I took an AP US History course which opened my eyes to both the triumphs and failures of the USA. There was a lot in the history that was hard to swallow. America wasn't this perfect flawless nation I had believed in as a child. There were pieces of history that were downright shameful. But there were also pieces of American history that were so victorious. And I began to understand the value of history and was proud that America was willing to confront and remember its mistakes in order to move into a brighter future. I left that course very proud to be an American, where we were using our history (good and bad) to move forward. It was not long after I finished this course, however, that action began taking place to ban it. Advocates for the removal of the AP US History course claimed it was "anti American." It really upset me to see that the American ideal of not sugar coating our past was more present in my high school history class than in the government. Then we began Piece of My Heart. This play pulls up some filth that no one wants to remember, but everyone should. So much suffering happened during the Vietnam war because of a lot of painful mistakes of the government. I was learning all about this huge chunk of American history, and what scared me most was that I had NEVER studied it. Not even in my history class that was otherwise so thorough. This realization combined with the fact that Vietnam is a gruesome black spot in American history made my disdain and cynicism grow. 

Yet like I often do, I got so caught up in the forest that I forgot to see the trees. Along with the pain the play surfaces, individualized stories of heroism emerge--and the impression is much greater.

This play is about people. History is about people. This country is about people. People make mistakes, but they keep moving forward. America makes mistakes, but we keep moving forward.

America is our country thick and thin, easy and hard. Many men and women have given everything for this country even when they didn't agree with it. The least I can do is stand proudly for my country, even when I don't agree with its decisions.

We are America right and wrong, for better or worse. This is what Piece of my Heart taught me about patriotism.

In good and bad, I believe in this country.
 

I asked some of my fellow cast and crew members if they had gained a new sense of patriotism from the play. Here are their thoughts: 

Andrew Schneider (soldier): I would say it made today (Memorial Day) more emotional than just a day of remembrance like usual for me. In the past I've always thought about the soldiers that have fought for our country, but I feel after the play it connected it more for me, made it more real to me. So that's what I would say, it made it more real and I came to realize that  what all these soldiers did was real and they all have their own story.

Ashley Sarver (director): I chose to direct this play because I believe in patriotism and love America. As I did further research about war during this play, my roots into patriotism grew much deeper. God bless America!
 Matt Larson (soldier): I would say that my time with the play- my role as a soldier, particularly- helped bring to life the experiences I've heard about but never really understood. The pain, frenzy, confusion, desperation, and loss that were seen and demonstrated were made more real for me than any movie ever. I can now say I am only one step closer to truly understanding what the veterans who served our country gave, but even going through a reenactment of that made a world of difference. The feelings were mine, not someone else's, and after feeling that and reflecting I am now more grateful than ever before for those who made those sacrifices for our country and our freedom.

Jessica Arzuaga (army nurse): Piece of My Heart changed my perspective of patriotic holidays. Before the play, I didn't even know what Memorial Day was about. It helped me to have a lot more respect for those who have served our country. It made me wants to talk more about soldiers and veterans with other people because I can't be the only one who didn't know what the soldiers gave. Before this play, I didn't see what the soldiers had gone through and I was too young to really understand. I appreciate a lot more of what they do. America isn't free. Nothing is free. They paid for it. And some didn't even want to give their lives for our country, but they did. That's really brave.

Dan Flynn (soldier): I am a very unique case in the fact that I come from a military family. That being said, my thoughts towards patriotism haven't changed a HUGE amount. This point of view has granted me some insight into views of the military and the government. For example, when a president is elected that my dad (the military family member) he doesn't like or disagrees with their policy or makes a poor decision, he's told me in the past that part of being in a position in the military, and being patriotic as a whole, means owning the decisions that your countrymen make. He has also reminded me on several occasions that presidents are people too and when they make mistake they need some grace too.


Lisa Hartman (dramaturge):  As the historical researcher, a big part of my research was reading and listing to interviews of the men and women who served in Vietnam and the experiences they had while in the service. It was sometimes difficult to read exactly how much these people lost while serving their country: as Martha states,"time, lives, money, resources, ME". While war results in moral failings, pain, and death, it was also spectacular to read about the heroics, strength and comradeship displayed as well, from treating injured enemies to preserving others' spirits. This is what memorial day is about; celebrating the lives of the ones who gave everything in service, and remembering the joys and pains they experienced.


I post this in the hope that I can share the important growing patriotism of a group of students. This is a meager and humble salute to America in a way.  But I also hope that writers and teachers who read this recognize the absolute importance of uncovering the truth about history. Despite its flaws, we must trust that Our America (right or wrong) will shine through.

Happy Independence Day and thank you to all who have served. I hold you in the highest respect.

An Open Letter to Sissy

Goodbye, Sister.

It's been an experience like none other.

I knew the moment I picked up the script that this was meant to be. You needed me and I needed you.

We grew each other. I made you alive, and you made me into more than myself.

Thank you.

I admire you, Sissy. I admire your bravery and strength. 

You were so naive going into this war. So innocent and wistful. You just wanted to see the world. You wanted to touch the world. Feel it, taste it, live it, save it. 

You learned quickly that it wasn't a walk in the park. But you did not give up. You stayed. You learned.

You learned that staying to hold a hand is more important than following orders. 

You learned to cling on to those you love while you have them. You've taught me that too.

You learned that it's okay to feel and to feel out loud. I learned with you that I don't have to apologize for grief, anxiety, or joy.

We learned that there is hope for healing. We learned how to stop prolonging the chaos.

I'm proud to have been you. 

You've stretched me and challenged me! You've made me dig deeper into myself, into my world, and into your world. 

I have been scared with you, mourned with you, laughed with you, and cared with you.

You've become a part of me. I'm so grateful.

Goodbye, Sister. I love you. Thank you.

Hope

Giving Back

Tonight we finished blocking the entire play. Wow.
I have so much to say, but there are hardly enough breaths in a day to say all the things we are feeling, thinking, and learning through this experience.

The last scene of Piece of my Heart brings each woman to her knees at the Vietnam Memorial, bearing a gift to honor the lost men and women of Vietnam.
Some bring their talents, some their memories, some their passions.
What do I bring? What do I give?

I've explained before why I believe this play is important. The Vietnam War is a tragically forgotten war. Its mistakes and resulting atrocities are often ignored. What a terrible shame that the lives, souls, and efforts of the men and women of this war are not heard! I'm not going to attempt to describe all of the struggles and traumas these veterans face. What I have learned makes me sick, and I know I can't even imagine the worst of it.
But one thing I do know: these men and women gave so much. Their sanity and security, their innocence and youth, their health, their LIVES.
And for what? This is still the question no one seems to be able to answer.
They gave because they believed giving was the best they could do for the world and themselves.

This play has given me so much. It has given me opportunities to learn and grow as an artist and woman. It has given me precious friendships. It has given me new convictions and interests. It has given me perspective and respect for others. It has given me fulfillment.

So what do I have to give? What can I offer in gratitude to the men and women who inspired this play that has given me so much?

I will give my time. I will give my efforts. I will give my self doubts and reservations. I will give my fears. I will leave my comfort zone and attempt to enter a tiny glimpse of the terrifying world of Vietnam. I will give my voice.

Quite honestly, I am scared sometimes. I'm tired sometimes. This play is stretching me as an actress and a person. It challenges me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yet I am keenly savoring every moment of challenge, because it is the best I can give back to the very real people this play speaks to and about. Working on this play is one of the few times I feel that I am offering something truly beautiful and good to the world.

I give to the veterans of Vietnam and any other war. I give to women who have been oppressed in their careers and passions. I give to all sufferers of PTSD or other trauma related mental issues. I give to those affected by Agent Orange Disease. I give to those who have been ignored and belittled in their times of most desperate need.

Thank you for what you've given me.

The Beginning

When I first heard that my college was doing A Piece of My Heart by Shirley Lauro, I thought to myself: 'Six female leads??? YES!' Little did I know when I picked up the script for the first time that I was entering what is growing to be a life changing experience.

A Piece of My Heart is the story of six women serving in the Vietnam war. The play follows three nurses, a Red Cross girl, an intelligence officer, and an entertainer from the day they enlist to the day the Vietnam memorial is erected in Washington DC. The girls narrate their personal battles--both mentally and physically--resulting from the trauma of Vietnam.

This is no ordinary play. It is frighteningly honest remembrance of an extremely misunderstood war. I consider myself a fairly well educated person, and I love studying American history. My grandpa even served in Vietnam. But until a month ago, I knew nothing about this massive and tragic part of history. The government is infamous for hiding information about this war, and they've done a thorough job. That isn't okay. For me, this play is a patriotic responsibility. If the mistakes of our past are ignored, they can easily happen again. We can NOT have a war this wasteful and horrific repeat itself. 

But more importantly, this play is a tribute to the men and women who gave so much of themselves to serve in Vietnam. It goes so far beyond their two years of service. Most of these veterans have spent years recovering from PTSD and other serious problems. It is an honor to be a voice for those who maybe haven't been comfortable enough to speak about this war. I pray that those who see this play hear that voice and respect it. In my mind, I have already begun my own wall of names to whom want to dedicate my work on this show. Every moment will be for them.

A Piece of My Heart is an important show. With this blog, I hope to share valuable growing moments for myself and provide valuable resources for girls who perform this show in the future. I'm looking forward to a unforgettable experience.